“Hey there ‘American colleague’, how are you on this fine Friday evening?”
“I am genuinely terrified that Donald J Trump is going to be our next President”. So began a lively conversation with a dear friend and co-worker who lives in the US (and not in the homicidal southern bit).
After the dance of fatuous ninnies that was the GOP candidate debates, it seems that he of the steel wool scalp is destined for greatness as the Republican Party’s Presidential candidate...and maybe, if the world doesn’t wake the fuck up, in a few months, the very top job. I’ve been allaying the fears of anyone around me with a guffawing, ‘no he won’t, they aren’t that stupid’. After this past month, it seems our star-spangled Brethren might just be that fucking stupid after all.
That they be stupid is ultimately their affair, no concern of yours or mine. That they vote in a Texan Dolt to lead their great nation into years of war is their affair, it will have no impact on my own little world. That they choose a blustering Brillo Pad to forge them blindly into the next decade is their affair. Except that history proves that it isn’t just their affair.
When they remove the colossal fried cheese’n’donutburger from betwixt their buttery lips they look beyond their Rio-Grande-49th-Paralell box and dick around with the rest of us. Ergo, if the Merino Moron does become the next POTUS, we’ll be living in his slimy shadow and it will very much become our affair. So, in the interests of public safety, a little education on the Witless Woolly Womaniser Who Wants to go to Washington.
The bio statement on his website is hysterical. Well it would be if it weren’t presented without the slightest speck of irony.
Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence while expanding his interests in real estate, sports and entertainment.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m selecting someone to represent my political interests, I’m rarely concerned with what that individual might know about football, about renovating or about singing. If I were, I’d have voted for Victoria Beckham and we’d all be legally consigned to pout. Being the idealistic fool I am, I ask questions like what did that person learn at school? What is their track record on human rights? What sort of an image is reflected in their public persona? Have they ever suggested they might bang their own daughter^? Have they ever belittled the disabled? Has this individual who I may elect to represent me ever erected a giant gold building in homage to his genitalia?
Initially I was surprised that anyone might take Trump seriously; surely the vacuous vitriol could not be confused with federal policy? This was a guy whose greatest claim to fame was marrying exceptionally young women; surely 52% of the American population would actively vote against him? Trump was a reality TV figure, voting him as the Republican Presidential candidate is just as stupid and unrealistic as Kanye for President #surelytheycantbeserious #eyerollingemoji Surely the great people of earth’s greatest nation could not vote for a man who believes an elected politician needs only a catchphrase and a theme tune to represent the best interests of a class of people he has never, and will never, physically interact with.
Thanks be to the Almighty Lord who rules over the Holy Land of the United States that we have some hope of being dickhead free here in the UK. #ornot
Boris Johnson, now that he has finished excavating every flat surface in London and transforming it into a cycle lane, now that his glory days of London Olympics are but a distant memory, now that his term as Mayor of London has come to its enforced conclusion, well now Boris needs something new to occupy his days. Armed with his Etonian Elitism, it stands to reason that he jump on the Brexit Bandwagon and stir up the xenophobes, the racists, the frightened and the fascists and encourage Her Majesty’s subjects that Europe are the baddies threatening our Afternoon Tea, our football and our financial fortitude. Because never before have British Banks filled with British Bankers, (many of them Boris’ mates from Eton) dragged British people down to the pits of British bankruptcy. That never happened, that must have been Europe.
Without sounding like a Naïve Disney Princess Dreamer §, why can’t politicians focus on ways of bringing people together rather than ways of rending people asunder?
If the actual baddies are so fixated on dividing people into those who will and those who will not, the most effective revenge for their particular brand of politicking must be inclusion. We, and our elected leaders, must ridicule their stupid singularity rather than copy it, paint it white (not literally you Muppet) and catapult it back at them.
Bear, in one of his rare sage moments, told me that wanting to be a politician should be the first trait that excludes you from ever being one. I wonder whether wanting to be a public representative is ever altruistic, do people want to help their fellow man? Do they want the money? Do they want the hashtag? Is it purely ego?
How will this year end? Will President Trump and Prime Minister Cameron bond over their newfound glory as diabolical dickheads? Or will common sense prevail? Will the voters realise that the only race worth thinking about is the one where we strive to grow our intelligence rather than our breast size. We must win the race to search for a cure for cancer rather than a race to attract a million Twitter followers. Let’s focus on how hot the earth’s atmosphere and not how hot Ryan Gosling is.
Or are we all just destined to be dickheads?
^Just in case you don’t believe me
§I know that is exactly what I sound like
