A few months ago, during one of our weekly video chats, Motherbear and I invented the groundbreaking concept of Good Human versus Bad Human. It is based on tried and tested methodology; deep scientific expertise, repeated experiments proving a pattern and the burden of proof beyond any reasonable doubt.
I lie. Not unlike virtually all politics and much journalism these days, the concept of Good Human is based entirely on gut instinct and a single person’s point of view. You pick anyone you like, you look at their face, and you decide if they are a good human or a bad human. It is that simple. A face, an opinion and boo ya, touchdown!
You can start with some really easy ones.
Obama, Good Human, Dubya, Bad Human. Good Human, Jennifer Lawrence, Bad Human, Kim K. Kylie, Good Human, J-Lo, Bad Human. Tom Hanks, Good Human, Tom Cruise, Bad Human. Toni Colette, Cate Blanchett, Meryl Streep, Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce, The Hemsworths, Hugh Jackman, Claudia Karvan, Bill Gates, all fine examples of Good Humans. Simon Cowell, Duchess Kate, Fassbender, Bale, Vin Diesel, Federer, Murray, Seinfeld, Jennifer Aniston, Theresa May, and Pauline Hanson, all…Bad Humans. #youcanstopreadingnow #itsabouttogetworse
No doubt there are names you’ll challenge; Duchess Kate is always contentious. I’d chuck in Diana and Beyoncé too, if I were certain I wouldn’t be lynched. In my humble opinion, Will Smith’s fakery makes him a BH and I still can’t quite make my mind up on the three duplicitous Barons of Boston; Wahlberg, Affleck and Damon. Good Will seems to be on the lighter side, but the other two; I’m not so convinced. It does also change over time. Angelina, Downey Jr and Depp, all once very, very Good, are now très, très Bad. So what is all this hollow conjecture based on? #notmuchscience
The Eyes have it.
There is something about the curve of a person’s eyes and how that portends openness, a generosity of spirit, a kindness and innate warmth. The eyes of a Good Human will always be looking forward, looking into the face of their significant other with unbridled love, with vulnerability, with sincerity. There gaze is more about you than them.
Observe Barack as he cuddles Michelle or Hugh as he leans in to Deborra-Lee. Tom Hanks’s smile when he spies Rita. The eyes show love, show honesty and honour, integrity and intelligence, vigour and vulnerability. People who’s eyes shift constantly, who squint at you, who can’t maintain eye contact, who stare beyond you rather than at you. These people all have something to hide; these people don’t want you to catch out their secrets, these people, like the Vermillion Vulture and his Vacant Vixen are your stereotypical Bad Human.
Lips and Arseholes.
The mouth can look remarkably like the anus. When the lips are pursed, pressed and pinched, the resemblance to a human sphincter is astonishing. Look at Trump’s mouth and convince me it isn’t a mirror image of his Chocolate Starfish? Look at Pauline’s cakehole and tell me you don’t see her bumhole?
If you expend so much energy clenching your face, imagine the pressure down below! Ferris Bueller (Good Human) once made a claim that if you shoved a lump of coal in someone’s arse, two weeks later you’d have a diamond. I reckon that Kim and Kanye could start fabricating jewellery to replace the booty the Booty lost in Paris. Smiles that look like bums, like weird aliens in Star Wars, are not to be trusted, hence, Bad Human.
Laughter.
Not a mother myself, other people’s babies have generally taken to me. I have a very big face, I have large eyes, and I smile like a goon. Fashioning silly smiling faces at small people who instinctively know how to interpret a very confusing world is hardly a magic trick. Animals will respond more readily to a smile or a laugh than they will to a growl. Laughter, or a smile, demonstrate to your opponent that you are not afraid; think Errol Flynn with a sword, Han Solo with a blaster or think Robin Williams doing just about anything. Laughing eyes, a smiling mouth, Good Human.
Now, reflect over the events of this past weekend.
A broad face, a toothy smile, a wide grin, open arms and wide gestures versus a vertical snarl, eyes you can barely make out behind a wilting wave of wiry hair and tiny clamped hands.
Think about a woman whose face is so expressive, she cannot hide her disdain and another woman whose face has not expressed anything since it was medically paralysed a decade ago.
Think about why we are afraid of hoods, or headscarves or helmets. If you cannot see someone’s face, you cannot conclude his or her intent. Ever noticed that Storm Troopers cover their faces but Rebel Fighters don’t? Death Eaters wear black hoods while the Aurors protect themselves only with a wand?
Earlier this week, as I sat on the tube, the girl next to me, somewhat pressed for time, opened her makeup bag and began the ritual putting on of her face. She opened a compressed powder compact, it completely shattered, and she was covered in shards of sparkly powder. #itshappenedtoallofus
Without saying a word, I reached into my handbag, found the little packet of tissues and handed them to her. She was so grateful she nearly kissed me. We sat in relative silence for the 4 stops until I left, and again, she profusely thanked me for my kindness. It was a bloody tissue; it was hardly a gold coin.
But today, in a world where sometimes the Evil appears to be triumphing over the Good, a tissue is a little bit of solidarity among those of us fighting our way through a winter commute. It is a little white flag of surrender as we succumb to a winter cold. It is a tiny gesture of goodness that, when multiplied, will make us all better humans.
NB - both photos from the official Whitehouse website
