2016 has almost come to an end. I, like many of you, am glad to see the rear end of the year that rear-ended us all. Almost everyone died, almost everyone else voted as if they were dead, and those of us who remain (yes, I did that on purpose), were thankful for a portly, perpetually cheerful English man singing in his car. We made it through 2016 buoyed by the monthly missives from the dimpled grin of James Corden and his passenger seat of Superstars.
For no other reason than fluffy puppy-like distraction in a week of death and darkness and despair, here is the ranked and rated list of 2016’s Carpool Karaoke’s sorted by the highly qualified brain of me. #wellwhythehellnot
I f**king love Britney. Way back when she was being commandeered and subjugated by every one she loved, mother, father, lover, JT, she bleated out choon after red latexy choon. I lamented her demise. I sympathise for the poor poppet who hasn’t known a minute of peace since she first flounced her pink pompoms. But here’s the thing BS; if you want to sit in a car and flog your latest album, you have only one job, you have to sing. You can’t sit there in your pseudo-soft-porn lace bodysuit expecting us to go out and buy your latest glottal-stop-punctuated pop confection if you aren’t going to be real.
Disney kids have been performing since before they could breathe. They lost the art of un-choreographed spontaneity before they lost their milk teeth. They can sing, oh yes they can. But can they be unfettered, genuine human beings? No they can’t. Also, the weird awkwardness of Nick talking about parting with his purity ring was kind of like watching your little brother talk about what he does in his tube sock. #jonasty
As above, one extra point for being a semi-real human who has had her lips on Bieber. The Rollercoaster was not funny. The Macca’s Drive Thru was not funny. In fact nothing was funny.
She was OK, she was actually pretty funny, but when did her music get so shit? What ever happened to Jenny from the Block? Why do all her songs sound like they were rejects written for Rihanna with an iPhone Mambo Ringtone running through the backing track? Why has she been married more times than Liz Taylor? Why does she always have that fringe only over her temples, not in the middle? #thebigquestions
There is no doubt that I love her! The original L.A.M.B, my matte red lippie inspiration, she of the Harajuku homage has a superabundance of hits to draw from and can she sing! But, but, but. Why did she have to rely on Dr Doug Ross and Princess Vivian to keep us watching? After dumping Bush for Blake, she has more than enough drama to keep us fixated. All points awarded for singing Queen.
I love him, he sang it all as perfectly as you’d expect. And doesn’t everyone sing to Coldplay in his or her car? BUT! Why didn’t they throw coloured paint at each other? Why no sequin confetti? Why no coloured light wristbands? Why no dad dancing? Why no Beyoncé? Why no Rihanna? Why no rest of Coldplay? #chrisyouarentthatinteresting
They could have saved on scriptwriters and spent the entire 15 minutes singing one song after another, or just sung through the track list of Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Their banter with James served only to interrupt the superstar recreation of what so many of us do in a car; sing classic rock songs louder than our vocal chords can tolerate.* Bonus points for Flea bouncing around in the middle seat like a petulant toddler.
Would be higher up the list if she didn’t have that warped weird accent. Is she Australian anymore? All other points awarded for having one of the most compelling singing voices in the business. So much so that she can gad about with her face covered and not get arrested by Trump’s anti-face-covering Gestapo. And the songs! One incomprehensible banger after another. Britney, you should watch this.
Last year’s was better, and longer. I would have given it a firm number 1 (and I’d give him something altogether different). This year Bieb’s has disappeared up his own bum...but he is still a perfect little cherub of male. Boy can move! Boy can sing! Boy should be banned from speaking in public! Boy should take heed of Britney’s cautionary tale!
Look, I love him too, but is he the most boring human alive? Does he actually have a personality behind all that bling? He would be right down with the Disney kids if it weren’t for the pure unadulterated joy I get from Uptown Funk. Also, does he have eyes? Does he ever take of his shades? Ans, he is 5 foot 5, which means I could look down into his bald spot.
I don’t like the song. I can’t bear Mariah. Her boobs were so distracting; like two shiny alien heads desperately trying to make their way out of her chest. The only reason this rates as high as it does is because of the other Famouses who mercifully saved us from La Carey Carnage. Adele was there, Gaga too...and even RHCP piped up. Bonus points for the surprise factor.
The old songs are sooo good…and the new ones sooo aren’t. But god can she sing! And the old songs really are that good. #rahrahromahah
Lin-Manuel Miranda is one of the best humans in the universe. Talented, handsome, politically a decent man, and hysterically funny! The back seat was a bit meh, but LMM, wow, what a magnetic human being. One Day More from Les Miserables is the Bohemian Rhapsody of Broadway and I actually cried the first time I saw this one.
You haven’t lived until you have sung Tiny Dancer at the top of your lungs with the windows rolled down. Reginald Dwight has played a starring role in the soundtrack of my life. Everything else about him is odd, but hey, Tiny Dancer. #holdmecloser
You would be betting on me giving her the top spot. And I would. But If I had to rank her entire earthly back catalogue, “Bitch I’m Madonna” would be subterranean, somewhere below all the music ever recorded since forever. I despise that song...and she forgot the words to Argentina. #madgeyoubreakmyheart
Because Adele.
Missy Elliott popping up in the back of that car was one of the most joyous moments of my 2016. Also, Michelle Obama is a weakening light in the sewer of piss and shizzle that we’ve created for our tiny future adult humans. She can sing, she can dance, and she can combine verbs and nouns in a fashion that makes sense, seemingly all qualities no longer requisite for a first rate FLOTUS.
Before I go, a shout out for James himself who is 50% of the reason why this little video that could has become our favourite viral video of every month. Not only has he learned all the words to some really shit songs, he manages a harmony here and there.
*Shout out to The Smartarse, Sapphire and Smack back in Sydney who do a pretty mean Depeche Mode behind the wheel.
